Try Again.

I hate to say this. I got a bit depressed this week and gave up on the exercise already. I kept up on eating healthy (with only a few instances where I gave myself a "treat" aka one M&M cookie today). I'm pretty happy with how I did there. I'm pretty angry with myself about the exercise though. This tends to be my cycle. I say I am going to do something and then, well, I don't. Then I get mad at myself and still don't do it. I am going to try again. Starting tomorrow. Only because it is late already.

Taevin and I have to go to South Park tomorrow which will provide a built-in opportunity for a walk if it isn't raining. Sunday, we will go for a walk somewhere as well. Monday, Wednesday and Friday I will do my workout DVD (Yoga Booty Ballet. Admission $5 at the door, seating is limited). Tuesday and Thursday I will do sit ups, push ups, squats, leg lifts, etc, etc, etc. I plan to write down my sets as I do them on Tuesday and use that as my guide for how many.

I have applied for five positions with Charlotte Mecklenburg Schools and I am working a few other applications for other districts. I think my job situation is what is depressing me most right now. I really cannot work there. Every day, Taevin cries when I drop him off at daycare. He clings to me and tries to follow me out the door. I hate leaving him to go to work for a company that I resent. It makes my day very hard.

Friday in Review and Weekend Without Computer

Today went alright. Just alright. I fought myself all day long over junk food. I hate that I have no will power and think about food constantly. It might just be because I have such an idle job that I cannot concentrate on anything but food. Also, I haven't gone to the grocery store since I made this decision. I didn't quite have the healthy food stash that I plan on having soon. Money spent at work on junk: $.75

I didn't finalize my workout plan either. No excuses. I just didn't do it. I'm going to do some crunches, squats, leg lifts and push ups tonight and get to work on the plan. I like having a plan so that I can check off what I need to do and have a little direction.

Also, I have determined that I spend entirely too much time on the computer. I am completely addicted. I am going to go without it from bedtime tonight until I get up on Monday. I'm allowing myself some computer time Monday so I can work on my job search some more. See you Monday!

Walking in Pittsburgh

I have been trying to figure out how I can start a walking routine in my very limited available time. I hate the idea of only walking on weekends but I cannot find a solution that I think will really work (or maybe I am just making excuses. if you think so, let me know). I almost wish I hadn't moved. My old neighborhood made for perfect evening walks. Right now, if I leave my house and walk in any direction, I come to an enormous hill. I wouldn't be such a wuss about hills but I'm pretty sure my out of shape self will crash when it comes to pushing the stroller and 20lb kid up and down all those hills for a short walk. The other issue with my neighborhood is that it really isn't that safe. In the evenings, there are always a lot of suspicious people hanging around. The convenience store has gotten robbed. And, in the year I have lived in my apartment, there have been 3 fights and one ridiculously drunk/high woman on my front lawn. My solution: I could go to a park. Sounds like a good plan, right? Sure, except that evening is rush hour, it takes forever to get anywhere and I LOATHE traffic. From the time i pick Taevin up from daycare, I only have an hour and a half to two hours with him. In that time, we have to accomplish dinner, bath, cuddles and then bed. It seems like adding a trip to a park in that limited time is going to really mess up his evening schedule. I'm just not sure what I can do. But at the same time, I feel like I am making excuses.

Another Blog

I have been thinking about starting my own blog for me. My other blog is Taevin's and I want to keep it as just his. I feel like I am just struggling and sinking in life and I need a place where I can vent my struggles, chronicle my attempts, and hold myself accountable for my life. I don't like where I am and I need to change that.

I want to be healthier.

I want to find a better job.

I want to be more financially responsible.

I want to buy a house.

I want to keep my house more organized and tidy.

I want to feel comfortable and confident in who I am.

I want to give Taevin a better life than I ever had.

Revamping my entire life is a big undertaking. I don't want to get overwhelmed and give up so I am going to focus on just one aspect at a time. Today's is rather a large daunting one in itself. My health.

The Problem
I eat junk. All day. Every day. Constantly. I love junk. It is so good. Chocolate, cake, ice cream, fries, chips. All of it. Even when I try to eat healthy, I end up making it junky. Today I went to subway. I thought I should get a salad. Instead, I got a bmt with a ton of mayo and a side of M&M cookies. It was delicious but not quite the healthy lunch I had planned. I want to eat better and be a good example for Taevin of how to eat healthy food.

I do not exercise. Not ever. I am by no means fat but that does not mean I am in shape. In fact, I am shamefully the opposite. So out of shape that my abs were sore today from the 20 (yes, 20!) crunches I did last night. I am embarrassed by how out of shape I am. I am also embarrassed by my squishy stomach that goes everywhere unless I wear tight form fitting pants. That is a problem though because most of my pants are way too big.

The Plan
I am going to start meal planning for the week in advance. I used to do this well but have been slacking lately. I'm going to write a grocery list of healthy food to buy and stick to the list when I shop. It will be painful to pass up the ice cream aisle and put the chips back on the shelf but in the end it will save me money in addition to helping me be healthy which I think is great motivation.

I am going to leave my debit card at home when I go to work. My downfall is that I always have access to funds when I carry my card. It is very easy to go buy whatever and justify that it is just this once and just a little bit. I think I will allow myself a small budget, perhaps just for coffee. I can get a large cup of coffee for $.75. If I get a coffee every day, I will spend $7.50 in a bi-weekly period. Considering I have been spending about $15-20 a week on junk, I think that will be a wonderful improvement, no only for my health but also for my budget.

I'm going to start exercising daily. No. Matter. What. I always shower in the evening and get ready for the next day. The new rule will be that before I can take my shower, I have to do something. I'm going to work on an exercise plan tomorrow at work and will post it once it is complete. I think on weekends, I am going to start taking Taevin on walks in the mornings as well.